The Bookshelf Epiphany

(The Audrey Hepburn Complex)

Sometimes I like to use my blog as a Freudian couch. Hence, yesterdays post.

Last night after I posted my Perfume Allegory I was organizing my bookshelf.

Through the process of shelving and dusting I came upon a second realization about my fears/disinterest in dating.

I cannot stand chaos.

When I'm in/surrounded by chaos I become every adjective a human would not want to be described as.

I'm easily irritated, agitated, snarky, inflexible, etc.

In short, I'm the worst.

I avoid dating because I'm trying to avoid chaos.

"Does he like me?"

"Do I like him?"

"Does he like like me?"

"Why do I say the word 'like' so much?"

"Why didn't he call?"

"Do I send a 'Thank you' text after a date?"

"What do I do when he walks me to the door?"

And the infamous "What do I wear?"

Put simply, chaos.

Last semester I took a Kundalini Yoga class and one of my favorite mantras I learned was

Let go, let God.

All that it really means is to let go of whatever fear you have, give it to God, and in the process give yourself to God.

With my books in neat rows nestled on their shelves by height, I let this concept of letting go wash over me.

Before I turned out my light for bed I took a tall book and placed it next to the small books.

Baby steps, friends.

Wish me luck.

xo